Breaking news: Mermaids are not real

Your tax dollars at work. A Federal agency has declared that mermaids aren’t real.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has taken the unusual step of making a public declaration that half-human, half-fish creatures inhabit only our imagination — not our oceans.

"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," NOAA’s National Ocean Service division said in a recent blog posting.

Typically, the division is tasked with addressing coastal threats such as climate change, population growth, port congestion and contaminants. But it waded into more whimsical water recently after the Animal Planet network aired a show titled "Mermaids: The Body Found."

The cable TV show suggested that mermaids are far more than fanciful sirens. To bolster its case, it cast a spotlight on — among other things — an early cave drawing in Egypt believed to hold the most ancient depiction of mermaids.

The cave drawing does indeed show that mermaid legends have existed since the start of recorded history — and across cultures. As the National Ocean Service points out, the ancient Greek epic poet Homer wrote of mermaids in "The Odyssey," and Far East lore and legend held that mermaids were believed to be the wives of powerful sea-dragons. Even the aboriginal people in Australia had a word for mermaids: They called them yawkyawks.

Nonetheless, there is no scientific evidence that mermaids exist today — or have ever existed.

Perhaps there are no mermaids, but I’m quite certain there are merdogs.

One of these is a border terrier, and one is an otter. Can you tell which is which?

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