Superblow: Pay-Perv-View Smut Vandalism Defaces Game

Comcast cable subscribers in Tucson, Arizona were horrified during the Super Bowl yesterday, when Real Live Pornography appeared upon their TV screens.

Just as a replay of a dramatic touchdown by losing Arizona Cardinals wide receiver (ahem) Larry Fitgerald was set to occur, a 30-second segment of a film from “Shorteez”, a deviants-only “pay-perv-view” channel, began playing on the screen.

A gentleman in Tucson was recording the game on Tivo. In a move sure to enrage Comcast, he used a video camera to record what happened on the screen as he played back the DVR.

If you are over the age of 18 and already secure in your eternal damnation, the resulting video may be viewed here or as originally hosted here. If you are a Christian who would prefer to find his or her way to Heaven, please click on the Related Links at the bottom of this page instead!

After praying for a good twenty minutes myself, I went out to assess the mood around this college town.

“We were, like, in shock,” said Cardinals fan Alice Soto, 53, who was watching the game with her 11-year-old daughter and 80-year-old mother.

She said the clip was of a man and woman on a sofa. The man unzipped his pants, revealing his genitals and waggling them back and forth “in a most enticing manner”.

“I had to go to church and pray for forgiveness for the evil thoughts entering my mind. And now I have to explain to my daughter things that we weren’t going to discuss for years. What of her Purity Pledge now? She’s already curious about these things, and is talking about trying to do what that woman in the video did! ‘Oh, it doesn’t count because I’d still technically be a virgin,’ she says! Can you believe it?”

No, Alice. I sure can’t.

Bar patrons all over town were shocked and disgusted at the vile display.

“I’ve never seen such a thing in my life,” spurted Harry Bawlz, who was watching the game at O’Malleys. “It was totally gross, the guy had his tallywhacker out and the girl was going to put it in her . . . in her . . . No, I can’t say, it was all too upsetting. Need beer,” he grumbled, stumbling off toward the bar.

Harry’s friend Michael Hunt was no less distraught. “Yeah, I was really freaked out by it. I mean, here we were watching these big burly guys jumping on each other after a great touchdown, and we were slappin’ our brothers on the butt, and holy ****, there’s a fully-dressed girl on the screen and a guy waving his weiner in our faces. I mean, what are we, queers? Are they trying to say that about football fans?”

Mike’s frat brothers shouted that idea down, in no uncertain terms. (I don’t think any bones got broken.)

Economics major Sarah Jenkins got political. “I know Obama wants to, like, stimulate the economy, but I don’t think that’s what he means! What’s next, selling Christian sex toys during the LPGA tour?”

Down the street, at sodomite club IBT’s, the crowd was equally revolted. “What was THAT?” asked female impersonator Alotta Diamonds. “Never have I seen a worse drag queen in my LIFE! She had no makeup on, no jewelry, and her ***ties were just plain tiny!”

When informed that the female was an actual woman, Ms. Diamonds promptly fainted.

Many were also offended by the $10 credit offered by Comcast — a company now jokingly referred to as “Cumcast”.

“Ten bucks?” restaurant worker Dom Inoz mused. “Yeah, that’d almost cover one of the bills from the 15 or 20 that ran out hurling when that thing came on the screen. I’ve been cleaning up pizza puke for an hour and a half!”

Sorry, Cumcast. I don’t think your ten dollars is going to compensate everyone “impacted” by your smutcast. Ms. Diamonds will need at least $50 at the hairstylist simply to get the schnapps out of her wig, and poor Mike Hunt will be recovering from that brutal pounding for days!

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jdonati

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