Soulgasm: Christians Gone Wild!

Oversexed so-called Christians are promoting sex toys and depraved intimate relations, saying everything goes . . . as long as you’re married.

If you’re not married? It proves that you have low self-esteem, and are likely to kill yourself.

For centuries, Christians reading the Bible have recognized that God created sex for one purpose, and one purpose only: Creating new soliders for Jesus. The sin of Onan was not sexual self-pleasure, but rather spilling his seed on the ground and preventing his new wife (his brother’s widow) from conceiving. His intent in the sexual act was NOT to produce new followers of the Lord; hence, he was struck down.

Do you want the same for yourself, or your dh? It seems many a nominal Christian does! The Lord wants us to throw our gaze Heavenward, not our feet!

Examples, you ask?

Well, the website “My Beloved’s Garden” sells “Christian” sex toys. Tell me, is a “vibrator” necessary for reproduction? How about “anal love beads”? A “double-headed dong”? In what Godly manner will a married heterosexual couple use such a device, and how will it help the wife conceive? More importantly, how will it help a woman focus on Jesus’ white-hot love to have a battery-powered “rabbit” at work in her “garden”? Will she cry out her love for the Lord, or simply beg for more D cells? “Just two more . . . PLEEEEEEASE!!!”

These items are the exact same “toys” sold on any number of adult websites and at smut shops across the nation. What makes the “Christian” sites different? Oh, they don’t use pornographic imagery in selling objects to insert into, tie up, electrocute, or flog your private areas. You can buy a “Christian Love Sling” without seeing a whore behaving exactly as you plan to behave. You can acquire a set of “Ben-Wa Balls” without seeing a woman (or worse, MAN) writhing in ecstasy as they’re inserted, as you will writhe. Only possibly more attractively than you will writhe, and with better hair.

Wow, that makes it all so very wholesome, doesn’t it? It’s almost as though Jesus isn’t watching you from Heaven as you put on that “Christian” c*ck ring with clitoris stimulator, or as you skip Bible study to sit home alone testing out your “Christian” vibrating egg device for the fifth time this week.

False evangelists are getting in on the act, producing what amounts to “Christian” versions of “The Joy of Sex” or “The Kama Sutra”! What, pray tell, do they think will happen when one partner finds disturbing lusts, perhaps for bondage or spanking, awakened and the other says “No way, Jose”? ADULTERY! >:XX

Ah, but there’s the other twist. These oversexed missionaries for abandoning the Missionary Position, these proselytizers of perversion, are mixing their messages with as much impunity as they publicly share tips about personal lubricants. (I hear Joel Osteen prefers the “warming” kind.)

Yes, they talk about sex being a wonderful thing. But only if you’re married. If you’re not, or in an “open relationship”, then you’re damaging your own self-esteem. Yep, there’s nothing wrong with you if you enjoy sex, but if you enjoy it with someone other than a wedded partner, you’re hopelessly miserable and despise yourself, and may well kill yourself for being a slut (or at least a non-virgin).

Websites and books that plead for premarital chastity contend that delaying the onset of sexual intercourse is a sign of heightened self-respect. Scholastic and athletic achievement are presented as mutually exclusive with sexual activity. Virgins, it is said, have “better life outcomes.” In 2006 the federal government required any program wishing to receive federal funding for sex education to include the “information” that adolescent sexual activity could lead to depression and suicide. In the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s 2008 report on youth and risk (seat belt use, alcohol, etc.), sex itself — not just unprotected sex — is treated as a risk behavior.

Well, we’re not buying it.

If sex is great and glorious and good for you in marriage, then it’s just as great and glorious and good for you outside marriage. Provided, of course, you already have healthy self-esteem to begin with.

We’re torn, you see. We see hypocrisy in sending out a “sex is great!” message, coupled with a “sex is horrible and will make you kill yourself” message. Pick one, people!

But, we’re excited about the successes being had:

The success of the religious right on this topic is remarkable. It’s especially evident in the way that many self-defined liberals now rush to concede that a delay in sexual debut is desirable, that abstinence is a laudable goal, and that keeping the number of sexual partners in a lifetime to a minimum is an important sign of psychological health and self-valuing. Sexual experience is no longer seen as a resource, but rather as a matter of risk and regret. Female sexual agency has once again been made dirty and suspect.

All good news, here. And evidence that it’s working may be found all over the Internet, in statistics freely available. The referenced article summarizes them beautifully:

Why does any of this matter? One answer is that sex education in the United States is in tatters. The country is not just withholding information but actively lying to its young people. This is simply cruel. It disempowers young people — girls and women in particular. Meanwhile, the United States has the highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and sexual coercion in the developed world, the lowest contraceptive use, and the highest rates of abortion.

Once again, we’re #1! USA! USA!

Does this make you angry? It upsets us, too. That’s why we’re writing to our own Pastor, our Senators and Representatives, and even Rick Warren to ask for help putting a stop to this ridiculous “sex is great” nonsense, and put these depraved “Christian” smut sites and authors out of business! If people who claim to be Christian want perversion, let them experience it as God intended . . . with a healthy dose of guilt and shame!

Note: This is an updated, encore version of a previously-published article. Original publication date 12/29/2008.

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Jenny Donati is webmistress and co-editor of Secular News Daily. Jenny is an outspoken secularist who believes firmly in the separation of church and state. She demands evidence to support arguments, and holds herself to the same standard. She doesn't write about herself in the third person . . . but there's a first time for everything.

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